I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
