I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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