I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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