I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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