someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize