You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
