Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize