Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
