I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
