dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
