She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
