No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
