I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
