I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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