she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
