Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
