I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
