Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
