whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
