New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
