SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize