if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
