ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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