man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My ass is underappreciated
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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