Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
