he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
