Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
