Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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