my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
