Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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