I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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