make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
