i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
