I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
