you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm gonna fight the coyote
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize