I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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