I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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