Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
