Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize