there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
