Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
