his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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