I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
