Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
where are you?
Hypothermia
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
