Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
