mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
