Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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