When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
