im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
