If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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