I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
