you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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