just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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