you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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