There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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