All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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